Dear Office Mate:
It’s not your fault you invaded my quiet, productive space. This office is meant for two people, and this is where the boss placed you. But that doesn’t change the fact that you annoy the piss out of me, especially when you eat at your desk.
First are the animal-like grunts as you apparently shovel too much food in your mouth. Then come the sickeningly wet smacks of your lips, and the slurpy, suction noise your toungue makes with every bite of whatever smelly concoction your wife cooked last night.
And of course, you’re eating so fast that you barely have time to breathe, so you wheeze through your nose during these noisy chewing sessions, sounding like you just ran up 10 flights of stairs.
grunt, smack, smack, grunt, slurp, wheeeeze, slurp, wheeeeze, smack, slurp, wheeeeze, grunt, smack…
If you would please just eat somewhere else, I would be willing to tolerate your after-lunch ritual of loudly clearing the mucus out of your throat and nose for several minutes.