Finding a New Job: A Guide to Having No Clue What You’re Doing

Are you tired of your current job? Do you wake up every morning with a deep longing to do something, anything, other than what you’re currently doing? Do you sometimes question whether your life has any meaning or purpose? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then it’s time to find a new job! And what better way to do that than by having no idea what you’re doing?

Step 1: Create a Resume That’s Definitely Not a Lie

Your first step in finding a new job is to create a resume that’s so full of lies and exaggerations that you’ll be amazed you haven’t been caught yet. Start by listing all of your previous jobs and adding a few extra duties that you never actually performed. Then, make sure to highlight your “exceptional communication skills” even though you have a hard time holding a conversation with your own mother. Finally, add a few random skills, such as “fluent in ASL” (even though you don’t know the difference between ASL and FSL), “expert in origami” (even though you’ve never actually folded a piece of paper), and “certified ninja” (because who wouldn’t want to hire a ninja?).

Step 2: Apply for Jobs You Have No Qualifications For

Now that you have a sparkling resume, it’s time to start applying for jobs! But why settle for jobs you’re actually qualified for when you can aim for the stars and apply for jobs you have no hope of getting? After all, what’s the harm in sending in a few hundred applications for positions you’re not even remotely qualified for? Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and get hired as a brain surgeon, even though you can’t even spell “cerebellum.”

Step 3: Use Your Network, If You Have One

It’s said that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. So, if you have any friends or family members who work in your desired field, make sure to call them and ask for a job. And if they don’t have a job for you, don’t worry, just call them again and again and again until they start ignoring your calls. That way, you’ll know you’ve made an impression!

Step 4: Attend Job Fairs and Networking Events

Nothing says “desperate” like attending a job fair or networking event. So, put on your best suit and head out to the nearest event, ready to shake hands and hand out resumes to anyone who will take them. And don’t be afraid to be pushy! If someone seems like they’re not interested, just follow them around and keep talking until they run away.

Step 5: Wait and Hope

Now that you’ve taken all the necessary steps to finding a new job, it’s time to sit back and wait for the offers to start pouring in. And if they don’t, don’t worry! Just repeat steps 1-4 and keep trying until you finally land a job. And if that doesn’t work, well, there’s always the option of living in your parents’ basement for the rest of your life.

Finding a new job doesn’t have to be complicated or involve actually knowing what you’re doing. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to a new, hopefully better, job in no time! Good luck!

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